A matter of perspective

“Understanding the nature of conflict leads to peace."(Lester B. Pearson)

Conflict in marriage are expected and usually happens when couples disagree, but there are disagreements that are really hard to be solved. Couples usually don’t realize the profound meaning of some behavior and decisions they make, until their spouse show a different perspective regarding her/his attitude. They feel their opinion or behavior is threatened, instead of respected and valued. 

Dr Gottman, author of "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work", called these unresolved conflict gridlock, and he said: “Keep working on your unsolvable conflicts. Couples who are demanding of their marriage are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations.” 

Here are some exercises that can help you overcome gridlock: 

• Become a “Dream Detective” - Allow yourself to contemplate dreams you may have buried or ignored within the gridlocked issue. This will help you to understand the ways in which you feel that these wishes are not being addressed in your relationship.
• Explain your position to your partner without criticism or blame - “Come to an understanding of the dreams that you and your mate have within the conflict, and dig deeper than the superficial issue to discover your feelings and hopes below the problem at hand. Suspend judgment. Relax. Give each other time, and do not attempt to solve the problem immediately. Ask questions!”
• Soothe each other - If you feel like you are becoming flooded with emotion, or incapable of productive conversation, take a break either alone or with your partner. If your heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute, you won’t be able to hear what your spouse is trying to tell you no matter how hard you try.”
• Accept that some problems are unsolvable - “your purpose is not to solve the conflict – it will probably never go away completely… instead the goal is to ‘declaw’ the issue, to try to remove the hurt so the problem stops being a source of great pain.” 

In overall, learning how to accept and respect each other is the key to solve conflict and enrich our marriage, according to Dr. Gottman. But I was to link his idea to Goddard's advice in one word: Charity.

"We are all familiar with the lack of charity. We have all felt the critical, negative, carping, nit-picking, fault-finding, and grousing attitude that comes easily to the natural man. Charity does not flow automatically from having an extraordinary spouse. It is primarily the result of the way we choose to see each other. " (Goddard, 2009, p. 119)

In my experience, the more I see my husband as a son of God, the more my love and respect for him increase and our conflicts  become less and less difficult to be solved. Not that we don't disagree anymore, but it don't matter as much as our love for one another. "He" is more important than "me", and vice versa.

                                                                       

 (Links to an external site.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015) The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Goddard, H.W. (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Sacrifice in Marriage

“It is twice blest: It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.” (Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice)

People have different perspectives and ideas, and naturally in marriage these differences will happen. Couples differences can go from where to place a frame, to housecleaning and the way they treat each other.  Goddard said:”We enter marriage expecting our needs to be met. We even decide how they should be met. Then, when our partners are unable to meet all of our needs, we become resentful.” (Goddard, 2009, p.106).

What happens is that our resentment escalates, and this conflict becomes a problem. Dr Gottman  described three types of problems, in his book “The Seven Principles to Make Marriage Work”:

• Solvable problems can be about housecleaning, disciplining children, sex, and in-laws. Solvable problems for one couple can be about the exact same topics that could be perpetual problems for a different couple. A solvable problem within a relationship is about something situational. The conflict is simply about that topic, and there may not be a deeper meaning behind the each partner’s position. A solution can be found and maintained. (Gottman, 2015)
• Perpetual problems are problems that center on either fundamental differences in your personality, or fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs. All couples have perpetual problems. These issues can seemingly be about the exact same topics as what for another couple might be solvable; however, unlike a solvable problem, these are the problems that a couple will return to over and over and over again. (Gottman, 2015)
• Gridlocked perpetual problems are perpetual problems that have been mishandled and have essentially calcified into something “uncomfortable.” When a couple tries to discuss a gridlocked issue, it can feel like they are “spinning their wheels” and getting nowhere. The nature of gridlock is that hidden agendas underlie the issue. (Gottman, 2015)       

One of the beauties of marriage is when two different people manage to see each other's perspective, and continue to respect and love one another. I have learned that showing my husband that he is loved and accepted makes easier to talk about hard issues in our relationship.  Besides that listening to each other perspective and respecting these perspectives will not necessarily solve problems, but it will open space to understanding and collaboration.  Goddard mentioned that in James Farrell's book, The Peacegiver, “shows that most of our discontents are caused by our shriveled, narrow views of our partners.” (Goddard, 2009, p.106)


Intelligent couples turn their disagreements into an opportunity to connect them. Here it is how they do it, and some suggestions to avoid conflicts when there is disagreements.

Intelligent couples:	Avoiding conflicts:
1- Soften their start-up conversations;	Complain but don’t blame: “I feel…; About…;What?...; and “I need…”
2- Learn to make and receive repair attempts during a discussion;	Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You”.
3- Soothe themselves and their spouse;	Describe what is happening. Don’t evaluate or Judge.
4- Compromise;	Be clear about your positive need.
5- Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.	Be polite.
	Be appreciative about good things done by your spouse.
	Don’t store things up.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015) The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Goddard, H.W. (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Humility in Marriage

“...unless we yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit and put off the natural man and  becometh as children-submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things…”(Mosiah 3: 19)

A long-term study of 130 newlywed couples found that husbands emotionally intelligent had happier marriage, because they allowed themselves to be influenced by their wives.(Gottman, 2015, p.116) Even though it seems to be harder for men be influenced in marriage, when they allow their wives to influence them, their marriage relationship improves. “Because this type of husband honors and respects his wife, he will be open to learning more about emotion from her...He may not emote in the same way that his wife does, but he will learn how to better connect with her emotionally.”(Gottman, 2015, p.123) 

It reminded that of The Family Proclamation to the World: “ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny.”

Men and women have a divine nature and destiny, which unique characteristics help them exercise their role. But it does not mean that they cannot learn from one another to develop other abilities. Like husband can learn with their wives how to be more sensitive with others, and wives can learn the ability to listen and control stress with their husbands.

Being open to learning is a great way to develop friendship and strength a couple relationship. But often, what stay in a way for happy and stable marriages is pride.

So Dr Gottman and Goddard suggests some practices to help couples be humble:

• Turning to God in faith and repentance is the cure for pride and self-centeredness. We can leave the relationship, smolder in sullen resentment, or repent. Repentance "denotes a change of mind, i.e., a fresh view about God, about oneself, and about the world. (Goddard, 2009)
• Perhaps the fundamental difference between husbands who accept influence and those who don't is that the former have learned that often in life you need to yield in order to win. (Gottman, 2015, p.125)

Sometimes couples seem to be in a competition of who is right and wrong. Who will be the winner? If there is a loser and winner, so marriage loses. When we are humble to accept each other influences, then we both win because we are one!

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015) The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Goddard, H.W. (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Turning toward one another

"Great things are done by a series of small things brought together. " (Vincent Van Gogh)

See Van Gogh image here

          This quote from Vincent Van Gogh reminds me of his impressive paintings. Interestingly, his works only became impressive after a process of individual paint, brushwork, hours of dedication, and a lifetime of struggles and experiences. As small and single elements turn into beautiful pictures, similarly small actions of couples establishes strong marriages.

          At least it’s what Dr Gottman found in healthy and emotionally intelligent couples, which he says are “always making “bids” for each other attention, affection, humor, or support”.(Gottman, 2015)

         Bids are little ways of drawing attention, and when these bids are answered the couple turn toward one another through positive and small interactions, verbal or not verbal, which connects them emotionally.

• What are these little ways in which you stay connected by turning toward your spouse close to you? 

       Incredibly, we don’t need to spend a lot of money or do big things to connect  in our marriage. Listening to your husband after a long day of work, helping your wife doing household chores, a hug or kiss, saying “I love you” are some examples.

• What impact do these little actions have on your relationship?

      “Being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.”(Gottman, 2015)“In our six-year follow-up of newlyweds, we found that couples who remained married had turned toward their partner’s bids an average of 86 percent of the time in the Love Lab, while those who ended up divorced had averaged only 33 percent.”(Gottman, 2015)

        Little actions will strength couples more than they think. It will help them develop a relationship of trust, love, and unity. Besides that, a couple with more positive interactions than negative will more likely be able to overcome challenges that will surely come.

       Naturally, connecting to each other is not always simple and easy as we think. There are some challenges we should be aware of, but these two are the most common: receiving the bid as criticism or defensiveness, or being distracted with digital devices when receiving a bid. 

       From my experience, these challenges are common and can disrupt our connection. I have learned that something we can do to respond to these challenges is having an attitude of care toward our spouse. 
Here are other ways we can connect with our spouse:

• Remember that your spouse complaints can be a need for attention;

• Listen to your spouse, instead of using devices;

• Dedicate your time to your spouse;

• Show affection in moments of stress;

• Use words of empathy and encouragement during hard times;

• Try to understand how your spouse feel, instead of giving solutions.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015) The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Cherishing the Marriage

            Marriage is probably one of the most important relationships we can have, after our relationship with God, and one of the most challenging too. But, despite the challenges, it’s one of the most rewarding. Think about our loving experience as parents, then our experience as grandparents, and finally the experience in remembering all these memories together holding hands in a sunny afternoon, when we are old. Is it worth working to have a successful marriage? It’s definitely worth the effort. I would like to present two principles that can help you better enjoy of your relationship and appreciate your spouse in this marriage journey.

              According to Dr. Gottman, the secret for long-term and strong marriages is friendship. When people know each other, they are able to like each other and stay married.

• Building love maps

            “Dr. Gottman’s term for getting to know your partner’s world is called Build Love Maps. (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.Think of it this way: When you choose to spend your life with someone, you hand them a map to your inner world. Your inner world is, of course, quite complex including the memories of your past, the details of your present, your hopes for the future. It includes your deepest fears and your grandest dreams. But the map you hand your partner is a pencil sketch.” (Gottman, 2015)

           And he added: “A detailed Love Map brings perspective to the twists and turns that inevitably enter a marriage. It’s critical that you prioritize this effort early". Dr. Gottman noted in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that “if you don’t start off with a deep knowledge of each other, it’s easy for your marriage to lose its way when your lives shift so suddenly and dramatically.” (Gottman, 2015)

• Share fondness and admiration

         Fondness and admiration (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.is a skill of friendship, and they are crucial to help couples go through conflicts and still value each other.

        “Fondness is affection, often naive, for another. To share it is to make it more mature. It’s not enough to say “I’m fond of you.” It’s important to share why. Appreciation is an expression of one of my personal favorite values: gratitude. Showing appreciation is primarily about saying “thank you.” But thanks must extend beyond “what you do for me” and into “who you are.” (Gottman, 2015)

        

          
How can we build our love map, or develop fondness and admiration if we are not giving our time to each other?

 These two principles are only possible if we make our marriage a priority, giving the attention it needs. It's crucial to apply these two principles, like it is to give water to a plant.

   

• Giving our time is a big first step

Before my husband and I got married, we decided that we would give our time to each other, even if our lives became complicated. Life surely became complicated, especially when the children came, but we worked hard to keep our promise. This certainly has maintained our relationship shining, despite our conflicts and challenges of life. Mostly weeks, I look forward to Friday nights because that’s when we can have our one-one time together to strengthen our love map. I am grateful that my husband has been consistent in maintaining our dates, after 15 years of marriage, and helped me understand the importance of it.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015) The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.