Cherishing the Marriage

            Marriage is probably one of the most important relationships we can have, after our relationship with God, and one of the most challenging too. But, despite the challenges, it’s one of the most rewarding. Think about our loving experience as parents, then our experience as grandparents, and finally the experience in remembering all these memories together holding hands in a sunny afternoon, when we are old. Is it worth working to have a successful marriage? It’s definitely worth the effort. I would like to present two principles that can help you better enjoy of your relationship and appreciate your spouse in this marriage journey.

              According to Dr. Gottman, the secret for long-term and strong marriages is friendship. When people know each other, they are able to like each other and stay married.

• Building love maps

            “Dr. Gottman’s term for getting to know your partner’s world is called Build Love Maps. (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.Think of it this way: When you choose to spend your life with someone, you hand them a map to your inner world. Your inner world is, of course, quite complex including the memories of your past, the details of your present, your hopes for the future. It includes your deepest fears and your grandest dreams. But the map you hand your partner is a pencil sketch.” (Gottman, 2015)

           And he added: “A detailed Love Map brings perspective to the twists and turns that inevitably enter a marriage. It’s critical that you prioritize this effort early". Dr. Gottman noted in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that “if you don’t start off with a deep knowledge of each other, it’s easy for your marriage to lose its way when your lives shift so suddenly and dramatically.” (Gottman, 2015)

• Share fondness and admiration

         Fondness and admiration (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.is a skill of friendship, and they are crucial to help couples go through conflicts and still value each other.

        “Fondness is affection, often naive, for another. To share it is to make it more mature. It’s not enough to say “I’m fond of you.” It’s important to share why. Appreciation is an expression of one of my personal favorite values: gratitude. Showing appreciation is primarily about saying “thank you.” But thanks must extend beyond “what you do for me” and into “who you are.” (Gottman, 2015)

        

          
How can we build our love map, or develop fondness and admiration if we are not giving our time to each other?

 These two principles are only possible if we make our marriage a priority, giving the attention it needs. It's crucial to apply these two principles, like it is to give water to a plant.

   

• Giving our time is a big first step

Before my husband and I got married, we decided that we would give our time to each other, even if our lives became complicated. Life surely became complicated, especially when the children came, but we worked hard to keep our promise. This certainly has maintained our relationship shining, despite our conflicts and challenges of life. Mostly weeks, I look forward to Friday nights because that’s when we can have our one-one time together to strengthen our love map. I am grateful that my husband has been consistent in maintaining our dates, after 15 years of marriage, and helped me understand the importance of it.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015) The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.