Healthy In-laws Relationships

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and
they shall be one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)

It’s such an important topic to talk about in-law relations because it can help couples learn how to manage their new life as a married couple, in-laws, and parents relations. I have witnessed difficulties in friend’s marriage due to in-laws and parents interference, and even divorces influenced by in-laws conflicts.

We can avoid many conflicts with in-laws and parents in our marriage, if we obey the commandment to “cleave unto his wife (her husband)”. But note that: 

“Elder Ashton reminded us that in cleaning to a spouse, married children should be faithful and supportive to their spouses, not not forget their parents. In turn, parents may need to give up previous roles their had with their children to allow the new couple to be independent. New husband and wives must recognize that their spouses still have relationships with their parents.” (Harper & Olsen, 2000, p. 327)

What if my parents and in-laws insist on having us to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas?

This is only one example that if the situation is well handled, it can avoid future conflicts in our marriage. In order to maintain a good relationship with in-laws and parents, couples should be careful in following three important points, according to President Kimball (Harper & Olsen, 2000, p. 328): 

• Confide in and counsel with your spouse

It’s important to create rules with each other about things you can and cannot talk with others outside your marriage. It can avoid gossip and other conflicts within your extended family. This is part of their growth, and connection with each other. 

• Establish your own household, separate from your parents

In marriage, couples have the opportunity to create their our rules and tradition, and it will be better achieved if they have their own home, not living in their parents home. I have found this to be one of my favorite parts when I was newly married because my family had traditions that I didn’t like. So I could change it, and create our own traditions.

• Outside counsel should be considered prayerfully by both spouses together 

Whenever counsel the couple receive, the decision should be taken only the couple together, after they counsel each other. My husband and I used to refer this as creating our world. Our parents had their own world, and now we have our own world. Sometimes our parents and in-laws counsels would apply only to their lives, and not to our lives as married because we were different, we have created a different world from theirs.

References:

Harper, J.M., & Olsen, S.F. (2005). Creating healthy ties with in-laws and extended families. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Power Relation in Marriage

Families are vital for society and each individual. Inside this family association, there are innumerable opportunities to have good moments together, and create pleasant memories. There are also many challenges and some of these can be avoided if we have the right perspective. We can ask from any parent, or spouse if they had a moment of power struggle, and most will probably say they had.  Control, hierarchy, and power relations are crucial to help a family know how to deal with problems. 

“In healthy, well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children. Parents are the “executive committee” and the “board of directors” of a family. As with any other leadership position, parents should not be harsh, domineering, or dictatorial, but they are the leaders of the family, and the children need to follow that leadership”.(Miller, 2008)

In order to make a power relations harmony work in families, couples relationship should be of partnership. Some principles will guide us into this direction:

• Husbands and wives are equal.
• Husbands and wives have different responsibilities, but they function as equals.
• A husband’s role as patriarch gives him the responsibility to serve his wife and family.
• Husbands and wives work together as partners.

• What the world thinks

In the world today both man and woman are being flooded with the idea of being “the boss”. This approach will not help our families union, but repel each other. To handle challenges with unity and love, couples need to have respect and know that power means that we are to serve and love one another, instead of bossing around. There are traditions that teaches girls to submit themselves when they marry, and I remember I was given this idea too. Unfortunately boys are also taught they are to dominate not only girls, but any person that is below or different of them in someway.

• What Jesus teaches

But Jesus Christ taught: “but whosoever will be great among you, let him be your minister; And whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant: Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many (Matthew 20:25–28).”

It’s a joy to have a husband that understands his role and my role in the family, respects me, and talks to me so we can make decisions together. We are now teaching our children to control their ego, or natural man that makes us want to exercise dominion on others. Instead, we are teaching them to respect, serve, and  love one another because love doesn’t desire to control others. The harmony in our family is visible when we treat each other and our children with respect and love. I really feel we are one because of the way we approach power relation in our family.

References:

Miller, R. B. (2008). Who is the boss? Power relationships in families. BYU Conference on Family Life.  Provo, UT.

Talking about Fidelity and Physical Intimacy

In the world, fidelity and physical intimacy is very different from Heavenly Father’s perspective. Couples could avoid problems caused by misunderstandings of physical intimacy and fidelity, if they were well taught at home by loving parents. 

Elder Barlow said: “Why does something so beautiful sometimes become a source of so many problems? Part of the difficulty stems from mistaken ideas. Some people still believe that sexual intimacy is a necessary evil by which we have children. These people get an inaccurate view from parents who were too embarrassed to discuss such matters with their children or who were so concerned that their children live the law of chastity that they taught only the negative consequences of the improper use of intimacy.”(Barlow, 1986)

When reading his quote, It was inevitable to remember my confusion about physical intimacy while growing up. In my childhood, it was common to see my parents arguing about their perspectives: reproduction x gratification. When I was older, I researched in Church books to learn what Heavenly Father thought about that. Gladly I was able to understand the purpose of physical intimacy before I married. But I wonder how many people have misconceptions about that and how it affects them, like it happened with my parents. So I would like to clarify some here:

1- Physical Intimacy does not comes from evil

When talking about physical intimacy, we should be careful to not pass the wrong message, especially to adolescents. Our intent to help our youth to wait until the right time of marriage covenant, can sometimes create an idea that physical intimacy is wrong or bad. Actually we should highlight that it comes from God, and as children don’t drive a car, physical intimacy should not be used outside of marriage covenant. 

 “The Bible celebrates sex and its proper use, presenting it as God-created, God-ordained, God-blessed. It makes plain that God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His commandment to the first man and woman to be ‘one flesh’ was as important as his command to ‘be fruitful and multiply.’ ” (Billy Graham, Ensign, May 1974, p. 7.)

2- Physical intimacy vs submission

 “Ephesians 5:22 some have erroneously believed that this scripture means women are to submit or yield themselves to their husbands even if they do so unwillingly.”(Barlow, 1986)

It seems hard to become one if women are forced by men, and men are discouraged to consider their wife feelings. But what we learn from modern prophets is that we should respect each other, and any act of selfishness is condemned by God, including in physical intimacy

3-The purpose of physical intimacy

I think Heavenly Father would not   gives us such strong power and   desire, if it was to be used only for   reproduction. It’s true that we are   commanded to be  fruitful and   multiply, and with physical   intimacy we are able to obey this   commandment. But also,   Heavenly  Father commanded   Adam and Eve to be one flesh. (Mark 10:8)

4- Pornography, physical intimacy, and fidelity

The use of pornography or other artifacts change the purpose of physical intimacy, and damage the couple relationship. The ability to feel close to each other through physical intimacy is destroyed, and fidelity is affected. The focus of pornography and infidelity is their own satisfaction, so it's based in selfishness and lust. These are not expression of love. 

References:

Barlow, B.A. (1986). They twain shall be one: Thoughts on intimacy in marriage. Ensign, Sep 1986, 49.