Turning toward one another

"Great things are done by a series of small things brought together. " (Vincent Van Gogh)

See Van Gogh image here

          This quote from Vincent Van Gogh reminds me of his impressive paintings. Interestingly, his works only became impressive after a process of individual paint, brushwork, hours of dedication, and a lifetime of struggles and experiences. As small and single elements turn into beautiful pictures, similarly small actions of couples establishes strong marriages.

          At least it’s what Dr Gottman found in healthy and emotionally intelligent couples, which he says are “always making “bids” for each other attention, affection, humor, or support”.(Gottman, 2015)

         Bids are little ways of drawing attention, and when these bids are answered the couple turn toward one another through positive and small interactions, verbal or not verbal, which connects them emotionally.

• What are these little ways in which you stay connected by turning toward your spouse close to you? 

       Incredibly, we don’t need to spend a lot of money or do big things to connect  in our marriage. Listening to your husband after a long day of work, helping your wife doing household chores, a hug or kiss, saying “I love you” are some examples.

• What impact do these little actions have on your relationship?

      “Being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.”(Gottman, 2015)“In our six-year follow-up of newlyweds, we found that couples who remained married had turned toward their partner’s bids an average of 86 percent of the time in the Love Lab, while those who ended up divorced had averaged only 33 percent.”(Gottman, 2015)

        Little actions will strength couples more than they think. It will help them develop a relationship of trust, love, and unity. Besides that, a couple with more positive interactions than negative will more likely be able to overcome challenges that will surely come.

       Naturally, connecting to each other is not always simple and easy as we think. There are some challenges we should be aware of, but these two are the most common: receiving the bid as criticism or defensiveness, or being distracted with digital devices when receiving a bid. 

       From my experience, these challenges are common and can disrupt our connection. I have learned that something we can do to respond to these challenges is having an attitude of care toward our spouse. 
Here are other ways we can connect with our spouse:

• Remember that your spouse complaints can be a need for attention;

• Listen to your spouse, instead of using devices;

• Dedicate your time to your spouse;

• Show affection in moments of stress;

• Use words of empathy and encouragement during hard times;

• Try to understand how your spouse feel, instead of giving solutions.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015) The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.