A matter of perspective

“Understanding the nature of conflict leads to peace."(Lester B. Pearson)

Conflict in marriage are expected and usually happens when couples disagree, but there are disagreements that are really hard to be solved. Couples usually don’t realize the profound meaning of some behavior and decisions they make, until their spouse show a different perspective regarding her/his attitude. They feel their opinion or behavior is threatened, instead of respected and valued. 

Dr Gottman, author of "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work", called these unresolved conflict gridlock, and he said: “Keep working on your unsolvable conflicts. Couples who are demanding of their marriage are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations.” 

Here are some exercises that can help you overcome gridlock: 

• Become a “Dream Detective” - Allow yourself to contemplate dreams you may have buried or ignored within the gridlocked issue. This will help you to understand the ways in which you feel that these wishes are not being addressed in your relationship.
• Explain your position to your partner without criticism or blame - “Come to an understanding of the dreams that you and your mate have within the conflict, and dig deeper than the superficial issue to discover your feelings and hopes below the problem at hand. Suspend judgment. Relax. Give each other time, and do not attempt to solve the problem immediately. Ask questions!”
• Soothe each other - If you feel like you are becoming flooded with emotion, or incapable of productive conversation, take a break either alone or with your partner. If your heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute, you won’t be able to hear what your spouse is trying to tell you no matter how hard you try.”
• Accept that some problems are unsolvable - “your purpose is not to solve the conflict – it will probably never go away completely… instead the goal is to ‘declaw’ the issue, to try to remove the hurt so the problem stops being a source of great pain.” 

In overall, learning how to accept and respect each other is the key to solve conflict and enrich our marriage, according to Dr. Gottman. But I was to link his idea to Goddard's advice in one word: Charity.

"We are all familiar with the lack of charity. We have all felt the critical, negative, carping, nit-picking, fault-finding, and grousing attitude that comes easily to the natural man. Charity does not flow automatically from having an extraordinary spouse. It is primarily the result of the way we choose to see each other. " (Goddard, 2009, p. 119)

In my experience, the more I see my husband as a son of God, the more my love and respect for him increase and our conflicts  become less and less difficult to be solved. Not that we don't disagree anymore, but it don't matter as much as our love for one another. "He" is more important than "me", and vice versa.

                                                                       

 (Links to an external site.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015) The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Goddard, H.W. (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.