Sacrifice in Marriage

“It is twice blest: It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.” (Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice)

People have different perspectives and ideas, and naturally in marriage these differences will happen. Couples differences can go from where to place a frame, to housecleaning and the way they treat each other.  Goddard said:”We enter marriage expecting our needs to be met. We even decide how they should be met. Then, when our partners are unable to meet all of our needs, we become resentful.” (Goddard, 2009, p.106).

What happens is that our resentment escalates, and this conflict becomes a problem. Dr Gottman  described three types of problems, in his book “The Seven Principles to Make Marriage Work”:

• Solvable problems can be about housecleaning, disciplining children, sex, and in-laws. Solvable problems for one couple can be about the exact same topics that could be perpetual problems for a different couple. A solvable problem within a relationship is about something situational. The conflict is simply about that topic, and there may not be a deeper meaning behind the each partner’s position. A solution can be found and maintained. (Gottman, 2015)
• Perpetual problems are problems that center on either fundamental differences in your personality, or fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs. All couples have perpetual problems. These issues can seemingly be about the exact same topics as what for another couple might be solvable; however, unlike a solvable problem, these are the problems that a couple will return to over and over and over again. (Gottman, 2015)
• Gridlocked perpetual problems are perpetual problems that have been mishandled and have essentially calcified into something “uncomfortable.” When a couple tries to discuss a gridlocked issue, it can feel like they are “spinning their wheels” and getting nowhere. The nature of gridlock is that hidden agendas underlie the issue. (Gottman, 2015)       

One of the beauties of marriage is when two different people manage to see each other's perspective, and continue to respect and love one another. I have learned that showing my husband that he is loved and accepted makes easier to talk about hard issues in our relationship.  Besides that listening to each other perspective and respecting these perspectives will not necessarily solve problems, but it will open space to understanding and collaboration.  Goddard mentioned that in James Farrell's book, The Peacegiver, “shows that most of our discontents are caused by our shriveled, narrow views of our partners.” (Goddard, 2009, p.106)


Intelligent couples turn their disagreements into an opportunity to connect them. Here it is how they do it, and some suggestions to avoid conflicts when there is disagreements.

Intelligent couples:	Avoiding conflicts:
1- Soften their start-up conversations;	Complain but don’t blame: “I feel…; About…;What?...; and “I need…”
2- Learn to make and receive repair attempts during a discussion;	Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You”.
3- Soothe themselves and their spouse;	Describe what is happening. Don’t evaluate or Judge.
4- Compromise;	Be clear about your positive need.
5- Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.	Be polite.
	Be appreciative about good things done by your spouse.
	Don’t store things up.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015) The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Goddard, H.W. (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.