Behaviors that Affect Marriages

 “...Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God…”(The Family Proclamation to the World, 1995)

         The relationship between husband and wife was established by God with a purpose. Even though the experience of loving someone and entering in the covenant of marriage is wonderful, it brings many challenges. What makes most difficult to marriage is our natural man

"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." (Mosiah 3:19)

         Being in love, or full of love, is not enough to have success in our relationship, but there are other attributes that we need to develop in order to save our marriages, or improve our relationship. There are also behaviors that need to be avoided.


The four horseman

         Dr. John Gottman (2015), teaches that all couples will have arguments, but the way couples have their argument says how long their relationship will last. He found some of these negative "ways" on unhappy couples, which he calls the 4 horsemen that we should avoid:

1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling

Developing attributes

         He also found some positive approaches on happy couples that made their marriage great, But he said that their success rely more on their affection, and that their positive interaction is a result of the emotional connection they have. I can see how this is connected with being a follower of Christ, and developing Christ-like attributes, such as love, respect, sacrifice, and etc.

• Be interested
• Express affection
• Demonstrate they matter
• Intentional Appreciation
• Find opportunities for agreement
• Empathize and apologize
• Accept your partner perspective
• Make jokes

          I think it’s only possible to genuinely make these suggestions work when our heart is at peace towards our partner. We can develop this peace by changing ourselves first. From my experience, when my spirit is at peace it's easier to put my husband’s needs as priority and think on his happiness, and consequently our disagreements are normal part of our daily life as a way to reach a solution together.  Probably Dr. Gottman highlighted the importance of friendship for a happy marriage because they are more understanding of each other struggles, develop the attitude of help and support each other, and in return they face challenges with more positivism in their marriage.

        According to Goddard (2009), “I believe that the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person-to be born again-to be a new creature in Christ. When we are more godly, fewer things bother us. And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process them in helpful ways.”(p. 15)

         And Brother Brinley suggested that “understanding doctrine softens our hearts and leads to Christ-like behavior, which culminates in happy marriages. Rather than learn a set of skills for dealing with difficulties, we seek a change of heart.”(Goddard, 2009, p. 17)

References:

“Family: A Proclamation to the World.” (1995, November). Ensign, 25, p. 102

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015) The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Goddard, H.W. (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.eply 

Honoring Our Marriage Covenant

“And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” (Genesis 2:18)

“It is not good that the man should be alone” is a simple but powerful sentence that can teaches us deep lessons. Man and woman were not created to merely exist and then finish. We are all here with a purpose, and marriage between man and women is essential to this purpose.

Perspective

If we could understand the depth of our marriage covenant, then I believe couples would try harder to overcome the challenges of life together, no matter challenges come. We only need the right perspective, have a Eternal perspective of marriage by learning that there is more of life and relationships after we die. Families relationship can surpass and continue if we are bind together forever.

Having this different perspective automatically lead us to make wise choices when it comes to marry a person, and gives the sense to give our best to our children, spouse, parents, siblings, and etc, since our relationship will be eternal. 

I would you like to think, how much is our best?

Take a look in this story as you think:

“… a bride sighed blissfully on her wedding day, “Mom, I’m at the end of all my troubles!” “Yes,” replied her mother, “but at which end?” When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.”(Hafen, 1996)

Hope

My message to you that covenanted with God in the temple, wives and husbands, is don’t give up. I think we can all relate and agree that life can be hard, especially in marriage. But I can assure you that as we give our 100 percent, we can enjoy of great moments together, and discover our purpose in this life and after.

We can honor our covenant of marriage, as we rely on these principles suggested by Elder Bednar (2006):

“We have been blessed with all of the spiritual resources we need.

• We have the fullness of the doctrine of Jesus Christ.
• We have the Holy Ghost and revelation.
• We have saving ordinances, covenants, and temples.
• We have priesthood and prophets.
• We have the holy scriptures and the power of the word of God.
• And we have The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.”

References:

Hafen, B. C. (1996, November). Covenant marriage. Ensign.

David A. Bednar, D. A. (2006, June). Marriage is essential to his eternal plan. Ensign.

Defending Marriage

May 8 at 5:10pmManage Discussion Entry

Since the earliest times, marriage between a man and woman is considered the way to start a family.(1) And it has been proved to be the best environment for the intellectual, emotional, and spiritual well-being and identity of children.

In order to protect the institution of marriage and its upbringing, laws were created. Laws did not create marriage between man and woman, but they organized what existed millions of times. Nowadays, law and culture have taken the responsibility to change it, based on selfish intentions to fulfill personal desires.(2)

I was raised by a mother and father, and until my father passed away I enjoyed the best years of my childhood. In my adolescence, I only had my mother, and it was a struggle not only to my mother, but also to my siblings and I. There is a wisdom in having a father and mother, and no matter what culture or laws decide, children needs of father and mother, woman needs of a husband, and man needs of a wife, this cannot be changed.

As marriage between man and woman is a right, also is the liberty to do whatever a person wants as long it does not hurts other people’s liberty.(3) Unfortunately, same-sex marriage is interposing with religious freedom, the traditional family as base of society, and children’s well being.(4)

For those who believe in marriage between man and woman, we can take some actions in protecting and defending marriage and family:

• Respect other people choices: Despite our different perspectives, we should maintain a attitude of understanding and respect towards others, especially when it come to marriage and family. Putting ourselves in other people shoes is of great help to feel love for everyone, not only to people we agree with. 
• Not remain in silence: Family and marriage are the core of our society, and taking part on this important subject and speaking up is the least someone who’s seriously engaged in this cause should do. So it’s critical that our voice and opinion is made manifest and that our voice is not kept in silence.
• Investing in our marriage: The first and most important choice is to decide to love and care for the one another. Successful marriages are not about the ego, the self, but about service, care, and love for the other. Investing time, resources and energy towards building a strong relationship will bring the best result to having a happy and successful marriage.
• Teaching our children: Teaching our children, by precept and by example is perhaps the best thing we can do to contribute to society. We should not outsource to churches, institutions, governments or schools this tremendous responsibility to teach and raise our children. Our society, ultimately, is a reflection of how parents educate and teach their children.
• Sharing with others: After we’ve studied and learned, and acquired a solid understanding of how marriage and family contribute to how our society runs, it becomes our responsibility to share our experiences and knowledge with others, thus ensuring that a ripple effect will carry the message out to everyone.

References:

(1)The Divine Institution of Marriage

(2)Obergelfell v Hodges case (Oct 2014)

(3)Douglas Laycock, Anthony R. Picarello Jr., and Robin F. Wilson, eds., Same-Sex Marriage and Religious Liberty, Emerging Conicts (Lanham, Maryland: Rowman and Littleeld, 2008).

(4)Nelson, R.M. (2014) Disciples of Jesus Christ defenders of marriage.

Preserving your Marriage and Family

I am starting this blog to talk about Marriage and family, and I hope that I can offer some practical ideas to encourage us to continue this journey collecting great memories.

To start, I would like you to think about the importance of family for people, and the impacts of a good family to our society.

When we hear that families are the foundation of society, this is certainly a fact not an opinion. In the research of Paul R. Amato (2005) "The Impact of Family Formation Change on the Cognitive, Social, and Emotional Well-Being of the Next Generation", assess a variety of research based on marriage and families with the purpose to inform the debate about the differences of cognitive, social, and well-being of children living with one biological parent, compared with children living with two biological parents, and other questions. This research concludes that children living with two married parents are less likely to experience cognitive, emotional, and social problems in childhood, and even adulthood. (1)

In addition, according to Dr. Stanley, author of “The Millionaire Mind”, there is a correlation between stable marriages and wealth accumulation, which is better for the economy than divorces. “In essence, why are millionaires millionaires? Because they made the right decisions concerning several major issues in their life, and one of these is the choice of spouse”. (Stanley, 2000)

Even though there are many reasons we should get married and have a family, there are also many challenges around us to interpose and destroy it. I would like to present some tips to help us achieve and preserve strong marriages and family:

• Choosing your wife|husband - "If you wish to marry well, inquire well" (Oaks, 2007). If you want to choose the right person, you have to define the person you would like to have by your side. Not in too much detail, but have an idea, and then you choose the places this person would attend. This will increase the chances for you to find the person you would like. After that, find opportunities to know the behavior of the person you are dating, and learn everything you can about the family, job, and etc. before marriage.

• Spending good time together after marriage- Going out constantly as couples is crucial to maintain your relationship. Go in weekly dates to a place where both feel comfortable to talk, or do something you enjoy together. Reserve a time every day to each other, at night for example and away from cell phones, to listen to each other and connect.

• Family time  - It’s important to parents and children to have time to relax together. Especially in the day-to-day chores and responsibilities of life, we can create and enjoy great moments as family if we schedule weekly activities. I recommend to reserve two times in the week. In one moment for a casual talking where parents have the opportunity to pass their values to children, and children can comfortably talk about what they want with their family. And other day in the week when the family can have wholesome recreational activities to have fun together, which can be decided together in the first family time.

• Family finances- Some issues in family appear because of financial problems. It's wise to study together, as couples and family, the best strategies to use money. Using budget, saving and investing money, making short-term and long-term financial goals, and spending less than we earn are some tips than can preserve marriages and families be preserved among the challenges today. "Financial peace of mind is not determined by how much we make, but is dependent upon how much we spend!”(Ashton, 1975)

I am still not an experienced professional in this area, and have no perfect family, but I have seen the impact that choosing a spouse, building family relationships, and working together in families and marriages. I have created wonderful memories in this journey, from the start when I chose my husband to spend this life together. We are learning together to strengthen our family, and living incredible experiences along the way. No research or statistic could describe the happiness I enjoy from having a family; all the effort to make it happen is worth it!

References:

1. Amato, Paul R. (2005). Retrieved from The impact of family formation change on the cognitive, social, and emotional well-being of the next generation.

2. Stanley, Thomas J. (2000). The millionaire mind. Kansas City, MO: Andrews McMeel Pub.

3. Oaks, D. H (2007, May) Divorce. Ensign.

4.Thompson, P. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.thompsonlaw.ca/assets/millionaire-couples--the-unmistakable-link-between-marriage-and-wealth-creation.pdf

5. Ashton, M.J. (1992) One for the money. Retrieved from https://store.lds.org/wcsimages/LDSCAS/products/000/2800_33293000_o06.pdf