Behaviors that Affect Marriages

 “...Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God…”(The Family Proclamation to the World, 1995)

         The relationship between husband and wife was established by God with a purpose. Even though the experience of loving someone and entering in the covenant of marriage is wonderful, it brings many challenges. What makes most difficult to marriage is our natural man

"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." (Mosiah 3:19)

         Being in love, or full of love, is not enough to have success in our relationship, but there are other attributes that we need to develop in order to save our marriages, or improve our relationship. There are also behaviors that need to be avoided.


The four horseman

         Dr. John Gottman (2015), teaches that all couples will have arguments, but the way couples have their argument says how long their relationship will last. He found some of these negative "ways" on unhappy couples, which he calls the 4 horsemen that we should avoid:

1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling

Developing attributes

         He also found some positive approaches on happy couples that made their marriage great, But he said that their success rely more on their affection, and that their positive interaction is a result of the emotional connection they have. I can see how this is connected with being a follower of Christ, and developing Christ-like attributes, such as love, respect, sacrifice, and etc.

• Be interested
• Express affection
• Demonstrate they matter
• Intentional Appreciation
• Find opportunities for agreement
• Empathize and apologize
• Accept your partner perspective
• Make jokes

          I think it’s only possible to genuinely make these suggestions work when our heart is at peace towards our partner. We can develop this peace by changing ourselves first. From my experience, when my spirit is at peace it's easier to put my husband’s needs as priority and think on his happiness, and consequently our disagreements are normal part of our daily life as a way to reach a solution together.  Probably Dr. Gottman highlighted the importance of friendship for a happy marriage because they are more understanding of each other struggles, develop the attitude of help and support each other, and in return they face challenges with more positivism in their marriage.

        According to Goddard (2009), “I believe that the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person-to be born again-to be a new creature in Christ. When we are more godly, fewer things bother us. And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process them in helpful ways.”(p. 15)

         And Brother Brinley suggested that “understanding doctrine softens our hearts and leads to Christ-like behavior, which culminates in happy marriages. Rather than learn a set of skills for dealing with difficulties, we seek a change of heart.”(Goddard, 2009, p. 17)

References:

“Family: A Proclamation to the World.” (1995, November). Ensign, 25, p. 102

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015) The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Goddard, H.W. (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.eply